WHY MY HUSBAND DIDN’T SEEK THE HELP HE NEEDED UNTIL IT WAS ALMOST TOO LATE.
ONE WIFE’S PERSPECTIVE ON THE PTSD FIREFIGHTER EPIDEMIC AND WHY IT WILL TAKE MORE THAN JUST FIREFIGHTER EDUCATION TO FIX THIS SILENT KILLER.
“I don’t want him blacklisted from ever being a firefighter/paramedic again.”
As I dialed the Illinois Firefighter Peer Support Hotline ( 855-90-SUPPORT) one day on my hour long commute into work, I couldn’t shake the gut feeling I had about the severity of my husband Ryan calling off of work yet another shift with the Woodstock Fire Rescue District in Woodstock, IL. I had until that point ran over every scenario in my head of what could have been happening. I kept it to myself because I was worried that if I spoke up about the nightmares, the anxiety and the stress the job was having on him, he would be blacklisted from a job he once loved and took a lot of pride in.
So, I let it go, call off after call off; validating it could be because his lack of sleep or a difficult shift he needed to relax from. Until that morning, when I looked into his once sparkling blue eyes, that were bloodshot and matte with fear and anxiety in comparison, unwilling to leave our bed, and asked him if he was thinking about hurting himself. It wouldn’t be for another week and a half, after he was checked into an inpatient PTSD facility across the country, I’d find out he lied to me but my gut knew better that day.
I called and left a message on the support hotline after dropping the kids off at daycare on my way into work. As I arrived to my work, I received a call back from Jack with the Illinois Firefighter Peer Support Hotline. I sat in my car and sobbed in the parking lot as I described what was happening at home with Ryan and how I felt paralyzed about what to do. How I, in this moment of life or death, was concerned with whether or not it would effect him being able to stay on the job. Now, it seems silly, but in the moment, it was a very real fear. I hung up the phone with Jack and called Ryan immediately to get him connected with Jack while I let work know I was returning home. I’m forever grateful to Illinois Firefighter Peer Support for helping me that day.
The rest of the day was spent on the phone and researching the best help for Ryan. He had always denied his therapist’s diagnosis of PTSD but I knew it was very much a reality now. That was one of the only things that could have changed my usually energetic and attentive father to my children and husband who was running a hundred miles per month into someone I didn’t recognize-listless and apathetic unable to talk about much of anything in less than a year.
In the research and the phone calls that day, the IAFF Center of Excellence turned out the be the best resource I could find for him to be able to send him to an inpatient facility. Ironically, he had just attended a legislative conference in Springfield for the Associated Fire Fighters of Illinois where a rep from the IAFF Center of Excellence presented about the center. He didn’t even mention it to me until I had put him on the phone ready to be processed for entrance into the center.
My fear is, that these types of presentations are being shown to the wrong people. The firefighters themselves are helpers, by their very nature. It’s in the simplest breakdown of their personalities, they will not be quick to reach out to get help for themselves. Sure, it’s definitely also in the machismo firehouse culture as well but it’s an innate trait of these first responders. The education needs to be directed towards loved ones, towards spouses, grown children, whoever in the firefighters’ first degree of support. If I hadn’t of had that awful feeling in my gut that wouldn’t let go and intentionally researched and I’ll admit it- forced him to get on the phone and complete the intake interview for the IAFF Center of Excellence, I have no doubt he would have became another firefighter suicide statistic.
On top of simply knowing about the center, here are some hurdles I encountered on getting him there, keeping him there and trying to sustain normalcy for myself and the kids.
After he was accepted into the program, to secure his spot at the center and for his safety he needed to leave right away. This meant buying him a plane ticket immediately for a flight in two days, calling my father-in-law Joel to ask him to come and stay with the kids and I for indeterminate amount of time and physically delivery him to the airport. If we didn’t have an emergency savings, an amazing family support system and the ability for me to take a few days off of work, this wouldn’t have happened. There was/is no statewide/unionwide fund for simply getting the firefighters the means to make it to the facility. A hurdle, if faced alone, may deter others needing help. If Ryan was a single parent, with no support system, how would he be able to seek help at such a facility? Worse yet, if the firefighter was completely isolated in his/her work without anyone being alerted to their thoughts and actions on a daily basis, who would force them to get the help they need. Because the fact of the matter is – they won’t seek it out for themselves.
After he arrived at the IAFF Center of Excellence, I wasn’t able to speak with him for a few days. He had already missed a shift at work but because he had been burning shifts left and right leading up to his admittance at the center, he had very few sick/vacation days left. It took his Lt. acting as a liaison between the department with me and a special rule allowing other firefighters on shift to be able to donate time off to keep him from using too many FMLA days during his 30 day stay at the center. I’m grateful for all of his colleagues and friends for donating time. I’m grateful to the department for being creative and flexible when it came to his shifts but as a family, as a department, we should have been more prepared. I only know as much as Ryan tells me. I try and make the medical and benefit meetings but usually leave with more questions then I arrive with. I have a feeling most spouses and families might feel this way. When I contacted Aflac, our short-term disability protection, about the benefits my family could access while Ryan was off the job, they explained since it was mental health, PTSD specifically, we would not receive anything. Now, if Ryan had tweaked his back, we would have been covered. There is a complete and udder breakdown of the system that this is pushed to first responders without a rider or safety net built in for mental health disability.
With Ryan being gone for a month, the only way I could afford to work full-time was my awesome father-in-law living with us during that time. We would not have been able to afford putting the kids in full-time daycare. We can barely afford daycare for the two shift days a week as it is, full-time care would have been out of the question, especially without short term disability coverage. If we had not just gotten out of all consumer debt, had been budgeting and tracking everything, or if he was the sole income producer – the financial burden alone would have deterred us from seeking help.
After Ryan graduated the center and returned home, he was immediately thrown right back into real life. Just by the nature of being at home with two little ones. Although he was allowed light duty shifts at work, he very shortly returned back to work. He’s doing better despite four rough shifts back from the start. His department even looked into getting everyone signed up for private longterm disability, which at first glance was great but the company ended up rejecting Ryan because he sought and received mental help for his PTSD, so how fair is that? We are currently fighting the decision with the help of his doctors.
With all of these odds and real life obstacles and hurtles, it is unfortunately not difficult to see why firefighters don’t seek the mental help they need or think it’s a losing battle. They see people on their worse days and retain everything while adding to the trauma day in a day out, but when they in turn ask for help coverage wise, they are shut out, despite their work being the very reason they are struggling in the first place. Working without a safety net will either lead to early retirement, termination or suicide. Check out this in depth project about Kentucky first responders and the bill that was hoping to save their lives. The project was called “Stressed into Silence” and it helped aide in the understanding and need for Kentucky House Bill 40 – a revolutionary bill sought to make a psychological injury the same as a physical one. It unfortunately wasn’t passed its first go around. I believe Illinois needs to adopt a similar bill to do anything to affect the first responder suicide numbers, which some years double those killed on duty.
All of those things I listed in this blog post were very difficult hurdles to overcome to simply keep Ryan alive. While I’m very thankful for every resource, everyone and all departments working to keep him safe and healthy; I’d like even more to make this a reality for every first responder because of the selfless work they do on a daily basis. It’s time that legislature changes to make mental health care accessible to first responders and to go beyond the lip service it is currently getting. For regular families, the treatment, living with PTSD and sending them back on the job is a huge burden with too many obstacles.
Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker signing House Bill 2766 last month at the Illinois State Fair was a start to this larger conversation but the Illinois Firefighter Peer Support already exists and while I’m happy they are finally gaining the access to funding they deserve; the fundamental equality of mental health and physical injury coverage in first responders needs to exist as well. Speaking from first-hand experience, unfortunately, the burdens PTSD brings to first responders will continue to be insurmountable without clearing the way by making PTSD as “legitimate” as hurting a knee or back as a first responder tasked with helping the community.